Life hack #14: Remind yourself who they actually are (not your fantasy version of them)

Life hack #14: Remind yourself who they actually are (not your fantasy version of them)

[00:00:00] One of the best life hacks in order to continuously remind yourself that the person you have broken up with or ended a relationship with, whose ever decision it was, you need to be able to remind yourself in those tough times the truth about this person. And sometimes we have this fantasy version in our head of who we thought they were, or the person that they actually conveyed themselves to be.

And so we hold on to this future hope of maybe that person will come back. Maybe that person exists and we'll have that future together. And in reality, maybe those things that are in your fantasy list are actually now impossible to have had to have happen. Because of what has happened in your relationship.

And so you don't want to hold on to a fantasy future with somebody that actually isn't even possible. Right. And so what I recommend is go to your phone or use a piece of paper and a pen and write at the top who they actually are and everybody's list is going to look different, but I want you to write down the hard and fast truth, the things that you don't even want to hear, [00:01:00] you know, when you're trying to justify the relationship, when you're still working it out, these are the things you block out, but after you've broken up, these are the things you need to write down.

So did they cheat on you? Write that down. Did they lie to you? Write that down. You know, were they not able to fulfill your needs? Write that down. Whatever it is that makes it on your list is going to be very personal to you. Right?

I remember one of my ex-boyfriends I wrote down on the list, you know, he made me feel nervous when he was in a bad mood. And I don't like feeling that way around somebody.

Right. And I just remember one time I was in an Uber with him and that he was just, there was something about his attitude. I just, I felt like I had to just sit there and like be quiet and just like, try not to make it get any worse. And I just remember that feeling of walking on eggshells with a partner and writing that down on the list of I don't want to walk on eggshells with a partner.

I don't want to walk around scared to provoke them or their reactions or whatever. And so I would write those helpful things down. And so, you know, make your list as long as you need to, add [00:02:00] to it. If you need to, um, you know, it can be really personal. He didn't choose you could be written on the list or he disappointed you left right and center, or, you know, he would fake a future with you and then when it would come time to, you know, move towards that future, he wouldn't do it. And so you need to be able to write this list down so that in your moments of weakness and your moments of, you know, how bad was it, or should I give him another chance?

You can go back and read the list that you wrote to yourself about who this person really is. And so it's hard when somebody comes back a few months later maybe they want to reconcile. And if it's in your best interest to get back together with them, then do whatever you want. But if it's not, then the way to be able to still stay strong is to remind yourself of this list, to read it over. And ask yourself, was I happy?

Was I happy with the real person? Or was I holding on to a version of this person that doesn't exist and was never real? One of the things that you do in relationships sometimes as [00:03:00] you put your partner on a pedestal and, uh, you know, there's nothing wrong with falling head over heels in love. That's for sure.

But when it's time to break up you need to be able to make that person, you know, come down off that pedestal and shine a light, the light of truth and honesty on them. And document what actually happened. What did they do? How did they make you feel? And keep it because you're going to need to refer to it later.